I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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