you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
