please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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