i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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