i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
As shirtless as possible
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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