this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
