Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize