I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
