i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So much rum. So many feels.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
