i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
