The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
