I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
