i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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