My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
