Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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