"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
