the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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