i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The uberlube is also flammable
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
