just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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