There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
