I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
