Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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