Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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