I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
