Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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