Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
