I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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