Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
