If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
