let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
