its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize