Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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