You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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