Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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