me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
