cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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