My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
