If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
