She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
