I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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