is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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