DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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