taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
