I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
