just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
