I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
