you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Let's paint friendship bongs
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
