I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My hand turned me down
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
