Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
