lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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