don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
