I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
