last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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