I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
