yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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