Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
