Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
