Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
