and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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