They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize